Confused

Originally posted December 7, 2018

I sit here today on 12/7/2018 in a state of complete and utter confusion.

The situation in my life right now is:

-I have no job

-I have no idea what my “passion” is

-I have no hard skill, only a Biomedical Engineering degree

-I have been out of work for just over 1 year (except odd jobs)

-I don’t want to get back into Biomedical Engineering

Every time I think about returning to Biomedical Engineering, I feel horrible. It is not who I am – I am not a natural Biomedical Engineer. I am, in fact, BAD at it. It’s essentially 90% quality documentation work. I faked it for 3 years and did great work for my past employers, but every day was exhausting because I pretended to be someone I was not. It felt horrible. I can’t believe I kept going at it, putting all my efforts into graduating, job searching, and working my way up to a higher level. All the while I was thinking that this “procrastination” and “laziness” was just immaturity and I would outgrow it – thinking that I needed to just stuff it down until it went away. Thinking someday I would be better at being who I ain’t.

Thinking there was something wrong with me at the core.

Turns out, deep down I just didn’t care about what I was doing. That was so obvious. Why didn’t I take that hint and put my efforts into discovering what I DO care about?

So now I feel dead in the water, like I have no skills, can’t do anything right, and I’m starting from the bottom. I’m past feeling hopeless and lost, those feelings are old news at this point. Right now, I just want answers. I demand them.

Maybe 1 year from now, I will know what I am doing, love what I am doing, AND do well at what I am doing. But for now, I have a long road of complete uncertainty ahead of me, and as a chronic overthinker I am driving myself mad.

One solace I take is that I am driven to bare my soul to everyone I talk to. I have given up all pretensions and I just tell people exactly how I feel and what I’m looking for. Writing this horrible struggle on the internet for all to see is the next natural step because at this point, what have I got to lose?